July 2015, my 5 year iud had been in for 3 years, I began having pregnancy symptoms. Decide that there is no harm in taking a pregnancy test. It comes back negative. That is really what honestly started the conversation.
Scott and I swore that we would never have children. The thought of "settling down" and being responsible for someone else's life was not appealing what so ever. We are both fast paced people that go with the flow and love spontinuity.
As we sat staring at the negitive test relief gave way to disappointment.
In August we participated in Fish-O-rama 2015. Hundreds of catfish are tagged and dumped into a local lake, starting Saturday morning anglers of all ages gather around the lakes edge and fish for 2 days trying to find that One fish that has the tag that would lead to driving home a brand new Toyota Tundra. Proceeds benefit the Boys and Girls club of Cedar Rapids.
During the tournament a father and son are set up by us. The son, about 11 wanders off to fish in a patch of trees. A bit later he comes walking back with a Huge catfish on his line. The look of pride across the fathers face was priceless.
Scott mentions that he would like to experiance that some day. I turn to him and ask him if that was his way of saying that he wanted a son. He nodded.
Over the coming months I have my IUD removed, we move into our own home, I change jobs, and I check the Chinese Gender Calendars, I do research on best ways to conceive a boy, We both start taking prenatal vitamins, I start tracking my ovulation.
Finally, one night in Febuary, I hand Scott a condom and tell him that tonight is the perfect night according to both calendars and it was my ovulation. It was his choice, start trying or not. We go for it.
Two weeks pass by. First test you could only tell was positive by holding it to the light. Next day if you did a color invert on it. Scott didn't believe either. I wait a couple more days and take one more test. The line was faint but definitely there! We were pregnant!
We didn't think that it would happen so quick. That never happens! First try!
A trip to the doctor's confirmed the pregnancy. The ultrasound dated the baby at a bit older than it should have been but otherwise looked good.
The next 7 months went by with no issues. I had more confidence than ever, minor food aversion but no morning sickness, I went swimming, hiking, worked with no issues.
At 20 weeks we had an ultrasound showing that all of my planning had paid off, we were expecting a boy! He was growing and developing perfectly. My entire pregnancy was going perfectly.
In October I started showing signs of Pre-Eclampsia. After a 24 hour urine collection my doctor called me at work. I needed to get home and rest. My protein levels were through the roof, I had pre-eclampsia and needed to go in at 6pm to be induced.
I called Scott at work and told him what was going on. I asked if he could get off of work early so that we could get dinner before going in. He showed up at home shortly after I did.
We told our room mate what was going on and let her know that she was going to have to go to the airport and get Scott's mom and bring her to the hospital.
We arrived at the hospital at 6p.m. 3 hours of talking to the doctor, nurses, and anesthesiologist and then filling out paperwork they started the induction easily. They put cervidil tape in for the night. The following day seen no change so they started pictocin. That night no change so more cervidil tape. Scott's mother had arrived just fine.
The next morning, Friday morning, I had finally started dilating. The doctor decided to break my water before starting the pictocin. After about 2 hours of painful hip labor I begged for the epidural. I had been prepared for regular labor and back labor but had not heard of hip labor! All of my pain was in my hips.
When my epidural was placed my blood pressure dropped dangerously low. They had to push meds to bring it back up. I was scared at that moment. After I stabilized again everything was fine. I spent the next 6 hours in and out of sleep while in labor.
At 6:30 the nurse told me that I was still at 5 cm but if the pain got worse or I felt the need to push to say something.
7pm is the shift change. The new nurse came in, the old nurse left.
After a few minutes the nurse was filling out her paperwork for the start of her shift and I became uncomfortable. The pain had gotten worse and flipping over wasn't helping. So I said something. She told me to hold on a couple more minutes so that she could finish her paperwork quick. I told Scott that I felt like I needed to push, that's when He said something to the nurse. She stopped what she was doing and checked me. I was at 10cm.
The nurse went to tell the doctor. When she came back she said that I could go ahead and push. Durring the 3rd push Scott asks "Is that his head?" To which the nurse said "Yes it is, ok Randi, you need to quit pushing, the doctor has 2 deliveries in front of you" so for the next I don't know how long (not that long actually) I struggled to not push as the nurse and Scott held my legs closed. Normally it takes first time moms hours to get from needing to push to crowning.
After 2 more pushes James was born at 8:05 pm. When they put him on my chest its like it wasn't real. I just thought ok I need to cuddle him to keep him warm, I need to feed him, I need to push out the placenta still. The doctor told me not to worry about the placenta. James latched on after a bit with no problem. But I didn't feel that overwhelming joy... That instant connection... I was glad that it was over, I was glad that he came out fine and he was perfect. I was proud of myself but I didn't get any of those feelings that most moms talk about.
I had no problem breastfeeding, James had an amazing latch. He was perfectly healthy and scored really well on their tests despite being born on October 21st, 3 weeks before his due date. We got to go home after the normal time with no problem.
The first 2 weeks home were great. I got to spend lots of quality time with my Mother in law and new son.
After the 2nd week James developed Acid reflux. I thought it was just the period of purple crying. If he was awake he was crying unless he was feeding. It was at that point that I started to regret having him. I started having feelings of sadness and frustration.
In December my grandfather passed away.
Later in December a friend of mine looked me dead in the face and told me that I'd need to give up being so active now that I have a child.
These 2 instances really are what triggered a depression. At James's 2 month check up I told his doctor about his screaming and she was in shock that I hadn't brought him in. I didn't know any better, he is a baby, that's what babies do! Eat Sleep Poop amd Cry. She prescribed him Zantac syrup. Then she asked me how I was doing. I all but broke down right there.
Almost everyone that said that they would be there for me isn't, they are too busy with their own lives. Then a couple more people slipped away also. By this point all I had left was basically Scott and our families.
I finally went back to work at 11 weeks but it was short lived. 3 weeks after I went back my position was eliminated. Not just mine, my company was removed from the account all together. I was unable to get in contact with my company again and found out that I had been terminated from the life and dismemberment insurance company.
By Mothers day I was dealing with Post pardum depression.
My first mothers day I had a so called friend tell me that I didn't deserve to celebrate mothers day. I had another friend stick up for me. Yet another friend added me to a post partum depression group on Facebook.
I have been fighting through the depression on my own with the help of the ladies in that group, the friend that stuck up for me, and my husband.
This first year has been interesting. My spring and summer was full of hiking, mushroom hunting, and camping. I have lost some friends and gained better friends. I have built a bond with my son and grown to love him. It has been a long hard road but it gets better every day!
I look forward to trying this blog thing again now that I am feeling better. My depression really hurt my former attempts.
I really want to send a special thanks to the gals in the PPD group that I am in. Without you ladies I couldn't have made it to where I am!
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